Dance With My Father Again? I

I wasn’t allowed to speak up, only allowed to be spoken down to. It’s scared me. For life. The constant days of arguments still haunt my mind. I cannot sleep in peace because I still hear the voices. I still feel the tears, stinging my face. I find it so hard to stay calm, although it’s over now-it will never leave. If I remotely feel threatened or ridiculed by someone, I will snap. My tongue will turn venomous and words will leave my mouth that I do not necessarily mean but it’s my way of defence. It’s what I remember the most. I don’t want to harm those that I love but I’ll never be free from the toxicity that runs through my mind, It’s with me for life. My body physically reacts, I’ll start; trembling, sweating, losing breath, getting a lump in my throat. Maybe you’d just say I have anger issues, maybe that’s right but maybe it’s from the adult issues that I was forced to deal with at such a young age?

Every situation is different, so they say. Divorce is just one of those things. It was innocent, they fell out of love and moved on. That’s where it went wrong. My already distant biologically similar connections drifted further away. Seeing them once a month turned into once a year. They have missed me grow up. The one that hurts the most is my father. The pain can be likened to a physical feeling. Like a kick to the stomach. I struggle to sleep because the arguments haunt me. The hours of phone calls, when I should’ve been out with friends. The crying, the shouting, hanging up without saying ‘goodbye’. I was 10. All of that was so emotionally scarring. Nothing has been able to mend. I was the messenger, the spokesman, the one who had to take it all. I wanted to protect the ones I loved. Seeing my Dad being taken away from me, seeing him change into someone else, seeing him forget who I was. I’ve spent so much time doubting his love for me, I find it hard to trust anyone-the rejection. A parent is meant to be an eternal bond. They are meant to be someone who cares, provides and supports you. He’s meant to protect me. I’m his daughter. But instead, I’m left with pins in my heart and a messed-up mind. He wasn’t there. The big moments in my life. He missed and can never get back.

I wasn’t sure on what to do. I would lock myself in the Bathroom, refusing to come out and spend the weekend with them. My mum would force me, just so she could say that she tried. But eventually, It all got too much. He packed my bag and insisted that I went back. To my real home. The childhood memories of this place were painted over, in the fire, locked up and ‘forgotten’. My time of innocently playing with toys was over. Gone. Years went by and eventually we stopped seeing him. The worst pain was when he didn’t speak to me for almost a year. I was in fear that we’d never speak again. Eventually he came back but I knew it was too good to be true. I thought this would be his chance to prove he wanted to play a part in my life, I was wrong. Although there are no more arguments, there is still pain. It’s unexplainable. No one understands how much it hurts when they make fun of the way I look or the music I like, It’s the reason that I still have a life.

I am disturbed. I get angry so quickly at any feeling of threat. If I think someone is out to get me then I will react. I am a bomb, waiting to go off. There is no other way to put it. This goes out to all you people who have experienced or are experiencing a divorce. This was just a fraction of my emotional upset, there is so much more which I can never forget. Of course I love him but it’s going to take some time.  You see, it wasn’t the fact that my parents went different ways. It was the fact that my dad hung up his hat and moved on to a different life, with out my brother and I.

 

I am happy, my life is good. I am ok. Its just, these feelings will never ever go away.

 

 

 

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